I have long dreamed of waking my boyfriend up in the morning with a short taser burst to his butt. I would creep quietly over to his side of the bed, whisper his name and just as his eyes began to open BOOM I’d taser his ass. I think it would be hilarious, though many people including my boyfriend disagree. However, during a recent dinner between rounds of yard-a-ritas I shared my devious aspirations with a new acquaintance named Gav, to which he responded, “I think I know a guy.” And so our friendship began.
Not long after that fateful dinner a group of six of us gathered in Gav’s apartment to look upon his recent purchase, a Shenzhen Police Taser. Nervous eagerness was the pervasive emotion of the night because we had come not only to look at the black beast, but also to use it. To sooth some rattled nerves and to prepare for a night of tasing we decided to start the evening with a few drinks. There is only one beverage that pairs with a Chinese taser and that is Chinese bai-jiu
Bai-jiu is Chinese wine (or more technically Chinese distilled alcohol); though on first smell you might mistake it for paint thinner. My boyfriend and I had accidentally purchased a bottle of bai-jiu at 7-11. (And yes we are the kind of high class couple that purchases wine at convenience stores) As an unfortunate side effect of our inability to read Chinese we purchased bai-jiu thinking it was white wine in a fancy bottle. Realizing our mistake once we got home, we saved the bottle for a special occasion, such as a night of tasing.
Once the bottle of bai-jiu had been opened, enjoyed and finished we set down some ground rules for tasing. Rule 1: You must get tased if you want to tase someone else. We felt that it was only fair to experience the pain if you wanted to inflict the pain. Sadly this is where Gav removed himself from the festivities as he wanted to tase, but refused to be tased in return. Rule 2: No tasing to the face, junk or heart. We all agreed the most acceptable place to be tased was on the arm. Rule 3: You must go to the bathroom before getting tased (this was actually my personal rule as I did not want to pee my pants). After the rules were established there were only three out of the six of us who desired to participate: my boyfriend Josh, our friend Stef and myself.
The taser looked like an innocuous flashlight, and in fact it doubles in this capacity. But once charged it produces a frighteningly vibrant blue spark that sounds like the devil’s cattle prod. I admit that the sound alone made me rethink our plan, but the bai-jiu coursing through my veins reassured me it was a good idea.
Stef won the honor of being tased first, and I the honor of tasing him. After a couple dry runs to be sure the bai-jiu hadn’t affected my aim we counted down to fun, “3, 2, 1…TASE!” I plunged the sparking stream of blue electricity into Stef’s arm with a caring yet firm determination. Stef winced and pulled back slightly, but he didn’t drop to the floor in agony, so obviously I was disappointed.
When we asked Stef what it felt like he responded, “I think I was tased but I’m not sure.” This answer was unacceptable because tasing should be a definitive yes or no, not a maybe. We had a quick discussion and determined that I had erred in the operation of my duties. Apparently my caring nature and perhaps my nervousness had caused me to release the on button during Stef’s tasing. So we agreed to repeat the procedure. The second time I had to squelch any and all feelings of caring and really tase the crap out of Stef. This time we decided to take the motion variable out of the procedure so I placed the taser directly on Stef’s arm. Then I firmly and malevolently pressed the on button. Sadly the second tasing had the same effect as the first. Stef felt a moment of shock then nothing.
We quickly moved on to the second tasing victim to see if we were experiencing a mechanical problem or a personnel problem. I was moved to the position of tasee and Josh to taser. Without the formalities of the last round Josh plunged the taser into my flesh. I experience exactly what Stef had, a momentary shock, just slightly worse than one of those gag lighters, then nothing. Sadly it seems that the taser has a safety shut off. Though it sounds ferocious and electricity angrily arches from its metal prongs, once the taser comes in contact with something it automatically turns off. A dog with more bark than bite. Of all the places I’d expected to see restraint or safety protocol in China, in a police taser was not one of them. Our interest in the taser quickly subsided as a taser that cannot make someone wet their pants or drop to their knees like an uppercut from Tyson is clearly not that fun.
The rest of the night consisted of a delicious dinner prepared by Gav’s wife Nani and ridiculous rounds of drinking games. I was disappointed with our taser, however overall the night was absurdly enjoyable. And at one point, while Josh was enthralled in a dice game I was able to deliver a surprise tase to his side. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as waking him up with a taser, but the muddled look of anger and adrenaline was just as hilarious as I had anticipated (though he still disagrees with me).
Sounds like a fun night. I am glad no one had a heart attack from the tasing.
Yes, I am also glad no one died as that would be a far less funny blog post